Eat your heart out

I was having a recent episode with a bag of cheetos, and I suddenly thought of the phrase "eat your heart out". I thought, is this what I'm doing, eating until my heart goes away? Food does have a numbing effect. I checked the origin of the word, and one definition said "To eat the heart out is to remove the core or most important part, a part that will surely be missed."

I'm eating my heart out. It's a way of not feeling, as I'm sure that everyone who has issues with food has figured out. And my heart is "surely missed". There are tons of things you miss out on when you numb yourself to the world. I numb my pain, but what is it costing me? Time with Lizzy (my five-year-old)? Vulnerability with my husband?

Another supposed origin of the phrase is adapted from the 16th century "eat one's own heart", meaning to suffer from silent grief or vexation.

Yep. I started eating this way when I lost one of my best friends to suicide. The grief has been profound and long lasting, and I sometimes wonder if I will ever feel like I'm not eating my heart out.

The Joy of denial

Today I woke up with a sense of joy. I wonder if it is because I have just finished the first week of the Lenten Fast (as an Orthodox Christian). I am reading a book called "Great Lent" by Alexander Schmemann. What I have taken away from this book so far is that we are not simply to deny ourselves by not eating certain foods, but we are creating a space for God to work in our lives. A return to the state of closeness to God that Adam and Eve felt before they separated themselves from God.

Not eating meat makes me hungry. And not being able to fill that void makes me more hungry. The hungry space is the place I create for God, attempting to focus on something other than the daily chores of life.

So is this the joy that I feel this morning? I'd like to think so.

I just checked my blogger page and found out that I am profile # 17009116. Is this yet another number I will have to remember to identify myself? Will it be required on my income tax form this year, and where will I put it?

On posting

I've spent a lot of time thinking about what the first post on my page should be. I hate it when people say stuff like "this is the first time I've ever posted on a blog". Isn't that obvious by the absence of any other entries? So I won't be saying that.

What I will say, is that thinking about posting something on a blog has made me pay attention to my life in a way that I haven't in a long time. It's made me think about what others might like to read about what's going on in my life. It's kind of one of those philosophical things -- like you don't really know yourself until you see yourself through the eyes of your friends. Or something like that. I'm sure I'm butchering that. (Do you think that butchers ever get offended by that last statement?)

So here's to writing about things you hope other people will want to read. And to friends who encourage you to blog (Susie!).